“I’ll tell you why I love cock. An erect penis has God damn purpose. It is a glistening testimony to drive and determination. The magnificent exposed head, drooling desire, twitching and demanding to be known. Each pulsing vein a river of will. Striving to fill me up with its pearly white promise of new life. It drags our male body forward with its need. Overriding all judgement for its, I’ll say it again, Purpose. What the fuck does a pussy have?”
The man filling me with his cock talk was The Lips. one of the henchman of the Baron Von Monkey. When I had been handed the Satphone, while still naked and freezing in a hole in the ground, I had expected the Baron. Not his comfortably gay, mildly english sounding compatriot.
“Wwwwwhy are you telling me this?” I said into the sat phone.
I had fallen from the sky wrestling with a soldier of the enemy. He was a pile of shattered bone to my left. I slowly stood up. The new body creaking a bit. Just the same as the old. When my energy returned I began striding towards the door of the airship.
“I’ll tell you another thing. The taste of cock fresh from-” I cut him off.
“Look-k-k-k. I agree. Cocks are nice, but I am naked, freezing and where is the fucking monkey!?” I built to a good yell.
“Cocks are nice? I’m saving that one for later.” Delta said quietly off to the side.
“Shut the fuck up little girl! I’m not in the mood.” I barked at Delta and then started in on the henchman, “And cock fiend get the fucking monkey or I will hang this phone up and you motherfuckers get nothing from me.”
The last bit I said as I stepped into the airship. Delta had managed to land it. I was quite impressed. She had crushed one of the old Winnebago wheels against a rock, but it wasn’t really being used for anything anymore.
“Where’s my pictures?” The Monkey hissed into my ear through the satphone, as I began to ransack the clothes lockers in the back of the Winnebago-based airship.
“Well,” I said with a bit more vinegar than usual, “I took a few shots of the holy place, it was called the Well of Souls, then my lovely assistant and I blew the motherfucker up. Probably literally a motherfucker by the way”
“What!?” Squealed the monkey.
“Yup. We blew it up! But I’ll tell you what, you crazy little hairball fuck, I found something even better.” I responded as I pulled a nasty looking pair of sweatpants on.
“What is that?” An edge of intrigue in his screeching voice.
“A place called The Yards. I’m not sure what it is, but it is at a place called Battle Mountain in old Nevada.” I said.
“Seek it out Humbaba and send me what you have.” The Monkey spat.
“Don’t fucking call me that.” I hung up on him and tossed the phone onto one of the beds.
Delta was standing behind me as I slipped on a grey shirt with the picture of a rooster being choked on it. Where the fuck did the previous operators of that airship get their clothes, a pedophiles hope chest?
I had lost my nice pants, shirt and sweater, but my outerwear was still in the Winnebago and I had most of my weapons. This ramshackle expedition was going to run out of supplies soon.
I turned and Delta was still standing there, looking implacable and bemused. The greek delta symbol tattooed on her forehead was still marred by an old scar. Her hair was longer than when we first met, but still jet black. She had a pair of sweatpants on as well. They were over large and held up by a ratty leather belt. She also wore a bunnyhug with the hood pulled up over her ears to ward off the cold.
I looked her in the eyes and said, “You remember the name of that crazy bitch that shot me with an arrow?”
“You mean the one you fucked?” She responded with a quizzical turn of her head.
“Ahem. Yes. That one.” I answered, averting my gaze.
“Of course.” She bounced a little and smiled, “I liked her. She was fucking nuts. Her name was Matilda. And she had six goats. All named Mittens for some reason.”
“I thought her cat was named Mittens?” I asked as I stepped by her and into the living room/kitchen. There was shit all over the floor from the struggle.
Delta turned and answered, “Well the goats were named Mittens too. Never saw a cat.”
“Well we are going to go find her again, trade for some supplies and maybe convince her to come along for the ride. We could use the firepower.” I said.
“You think your ass could handle it?” Delta asked.
I glared at her and began opening the few cupboards looking for food. Dieing always left me starving. Whatever food was in my system must go into the process. There was a dozen or so packages of dried raman noodles above the stove. I began eating one of the bricks of carbs raw.
“Can you shut the door. It’s freezing in here.”, bits of noodle blowing out past my lips as I spoke.
Delta raised her eyebrows and gave me a ‘you idiot’ look. It took me a second.
“Oh balls.” I said, spitting more bits.
When the Gilgamesh soldier and I had exited the vehicle at several hundred meters up we had taken the door with us. An inspection revealed the hinges went with the door and a few chunks of the frame with them. I sighed heavily and stuffed another chunk of raman into my mouth.
A search of the Winnebago turned up some worrying pornography, a lot more ammunition, more raman, various clothes in different states of repair and some patch canvas for the gas envelope among a lot of other things. That would have to do.
After we suited up in more proper outdoor clothes Delta and I ventured out with the canvas and a bucket of resin that we figured went with the patch canvas. Or they got high with it. Fuck if I know. We got it sealed up and all it cost was one of my gloves, now part of the patch, and an hour in the cold.
We returned to the relative warm of the Winnebago through the drivers side door.
“Why have you never tried to fuck me?” Delta asked as we were pulling off our outerwear, in a tone like she was asking why the sky was blue.
I paused in taking my jacket off and stared at her.
“Because I’m old enough to be your father and I’ve tried to never think of you that way.” I finally responded and began to again pull the outdoor gear off.
Delta looked down, “Older guys have tried before.”
“Well that’s easy. I’m better then them.” I responded.
She snorted, “Sure. You’re just biding your time. Then Bam! I’ll be knocked up with your demon spawn.”
I laughed, “Just make us some lunch while I try and figure out how to find the crazy bitch.”
The tablet the monkey gave me had a GPS app and maps for most of the western USA. I was able to find Battle Mountain easy enough. The crazy bitch`s lair was a different story. I spent an hour tracing old routes from known locations and I was pretty sure I found an area to search for her.
After my escapade with the maps I hooked the satphone into the tablet and logged onto the fucking internet. I was amazed that it still existed. The eastern hemisphere had come through the fires relatively well. They still had a bruised and battered civilization. Including Satellite access to a rudimentary internet. That must cost the Monkey a heap of poop.
Once I logged on I composed an email with all the info I could think of and the pictures I had taken before my daring rescue. The email was large, but I hit send and it began its uploading.
I hated the fucking monkey, but he had equipped me for this journey into the cold. And he had found my bowler hat. It was sitting on the dashboard. More handsome than ever.
“Here. Eat this.” Delta dropped a bowl of bright orange macaroni in my lap.
“I haven’t had mac and cheese in...I really have no idea.” I said.
The rubbery noodles oozed down my throat and the too salty tang of the fake cheese stung my tongue. I was in heaven. It pulled me back to Saturday lunches in my childhood home.
“God this tastes like month old period pussy.” Delta made a face as she slurped up her portion.
We began our journey the next morning. By my calculation it would take about a week to get in the area where Matilda probably was. Then we’d have to float around until we spotted her shack and barn. It was a bit of a long shot.
I loved Delta like a father, but spending a week cooped up in a tiny box with her was trying. At least this time she didn’t try and stab me with a knife. Delta was mostly back to her old self. Talking endlessly, finding any number of topics that made me feel uncomfortable. She wasn’t talking about her time at the Well of Souls. She had been there for six months or so and it had to have been fucked up. I did find out she had turned sixteen a month earlier. So there is that.
Then one day while we were playing some poker at the kitchen table.
“So...Why did you say cock is nice? Are you gay? Is that why you’ve never tried to fuck me? It would explain a lot of things. Do you like anal? I’ve heard even most gay guys don’t do that. Is that true?” She verbal diarrhea asked.
I had been taking a drink of water and spluttered a little. Some dripping onto the cards.
“I’m not gay. I’m as straight as any man is when he’s comfortable in his sexuality and walking this lonely world.” I responded.
“Is that a poetic way of saying you’ve sucked cock for room and board? Or do you like it? Are you some kind of pan-sexual imp dispensing blowjobs and sucking cunt equally? I miss getting my-”
“Nope. No. No. No. No. We are not discussing your or my previous sexual encounters. Not happening.”
“How many woman have you fucked?”
I tilted my head and looked up. Doing a quick tally. Then I caught myself.
“I’m not telling you that.”
“But you were thinking about it. The number is right there on the tip of your head.” She poked me in the forehead.
I grumbled and began to deal the next hand of poker.
“I’ve met the sex imp of the everafter. He’ll take your cum. No charge. Just a meal and smile will do.” She said in a sing-song voice.
I tried to ignore her and she took that as a sign to call me the sex imp for the rest of the trip.
When we arrived in the area I thought Matilda lived it was more mountainous than I recalled or could have guessed from inexpert reading of the map. We were weaving around foothills and mountains. The winds were beginning to be a problem. It was hard to keep the ship on a straight line.
I had the GPS, but I wasn’t using it well. We never did find Matilda, She found us. Just like last time, she announced her presence with a rocket.
We were floating through a valley when I saw a bright flash down on the ground about a kilometer ahead of us. I was thinking it might be another flare, the symbol of Gilgamesh was still on the side of the airship. That thought process took me to the realization that Matilda was probably shooting at us a again.
“Fuuuuuuuuuuuuuck!” I screamed as I spun the wheel, trying to dodge the thing.
The ship had barely started to react to my actions when the rocket whooshed past us. A few seconds later there was a woomph sound behind us.
“What the fuck was that?” yelled Delta as she dropped the copy of the Chorus of Gilgamesh she had been reading.
“Pretty sure she is trying to kill us again. Hold on!”
I saw another bloom of fire ahead of us.
I slammed the uppy-downy lever into the down position and tried swerving again to little effect. The second rocket smashed through the windshield. Glittering bits of glass mushroomed out into the cabin. The rocket had entered at a bit of angle and punched a hole through the right side of the Winnebago as it exited. I will never know why it didn’t explode on either impact. It did however explode just outside.
The shrapnel created a thousand new little holes in the Winnebago and tore a big one in the gas envelope. The ship began to drop, much faster than it should. I was also bleeding from a dozen
holes in the side of my body.
“Delta! Are you ok?!” I screamed over the ringing in my ears.
“Fuck!” I heard her scream back.
I took that as ‘I’m fine’ and returned my attention to driving the falling airship. It juttered and was slowly corkscrewing as we lost altitude. The fans had stopped and turning the steering wheel had no effect whatsoever. The power had gone.
Out the gaping hole where the windshield used to be the snow capped trees were getting a lot bigger. The right side of my body was starting to go numb, generally a bad sign, but a welcome respite from the pain.
“Strap yourself in little lady!” I shouted over the wind.
“Fuck you! Just fuck you!” Delta screamed back as she pulled her way into the passenger seat up front.
We both clicked in the shoulder belts and I braced my foot up on the dashboard. With the painful gloriousness of hindsight I realised that was a bad idea. I looked over and saw Delta gripping her seat for dear life. Looking back out the front I was greeted with a tree.
The leading edge of the airships, er, balloon struck the tree and we spun around and continued the remaining 20 meters to the ground. It didn’t seem like we were falling that fast, but we hit hard enough to knock me unconscious.
When my brain began to swim back to the surface the first sensation I was aware of was pain. The type of pain I hadn’t felt in awhile. I was no stranger to pain. Most of my deaths had not been overly quick. My hands and arms flopped lazily around, mostly of their own accord. They were trying to figure out what to do.
My vision returned and I found myself on my back on the forest floor again. The snow bedecked trees stretching out towards the sky. It was truly beautiful. I was, however, distracted by all that pesky pain.
My brain was now informing me that it was mostly coming from my left leg. I didn't really want to look, but I did anyway. There were two spears of bone sticking out of my leg. One mid thigh and the other was most of my shin bone. The flesh had exploded outward. I could see little clumps of meat adhering to exposed bone. The leg now looked more like bloodsoaked, hairy beef then something you would use to stand on.
Someone had torn the cloth of my pants away and had tried to bandage the leg, rather crudely. I imagined it had been Delta.
I could see her and Matilda standing off about two meters away. They were talking. Arguing I think. It was hard to tell. My ears were filled with a roaring sound and very little of the outside world could penetrate that.
Matilda was in a winter military uniform of some kind. She had a dozen pockets, all full of ammo and tools. On her back was a bag and an impressive looking rocket launcher. In her right hand was a pistol and her left held an assault rifle.
“Are you sure?” Matilda said, some words drifting through the auditory fog.
“I’ve seen him do it a bunch of times.” Delta responded.
Matilda nodded and raised her pistol to me.
“No! I need to do this.” Delta said, reaching for the pistol.
Matilda made to pull it away, but stopped.
“Mittens says you need it more then me. I do what Mittens tells me to.” Matilda responded and handed the pistol over.
Delta walked up closer to me. I doubt she was as confident of her aim as Matilda was. She raised the pistol up and pointed it right at my forehead.
“I love you sex imp.” She said.
And the pain went away.
Lovingly Copyedited by Mollie